


Where No Man Can Go

by ohgodmyeyes



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/M, Feminist Themes, One Shot, Past Relationship(s), Relationship(s), Turnabout Intruder, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 07:44:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21071375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohgodmyeyes/pseuds/ohgodmyeyes
Summary: The final argument that leads to the death of James Kirk and Janice Lester’s relationship is less about the two of them than it is about the rest of the world.Was Dr. Lester really a body-snatching monster, or simply a human being under duress? Was she both? What was her time with Captain Kirk like, before he was a captain at all, and why couldn’t they reconcile their differences?





	Where No Man Can Go

_I've_ _loved_ _everything_ _about_ _you_ _that_ _hurts_, _so_  
_Let_ _me_ see _your_ _moves_  
(_Let_ _me_ _see_ _your_ _moves)_  
_Lips_ _pressed_ _this_ _close_ _to_ _mine_  
_True blue_  
...  
_Trade baby blues for_ _wide-eyed browns_  
_I sleep_ _with_ _your_ _old_ _shirts_  
_And_ _walk through_ _this_ _house (in_ _your_ _shoes_)  
_You know_ _it's_ _strange_  
_It's_ _a strange way_ _of_ _saying_  
_That_ _I_ _know_ _I'm_ _supposed_ _to_ _love_ _you_  
(_I'm_ _supposed_ _to_ _love_ _you_)

...

...

”Janice, damnit, I can’t change the world for you!”

“I never asked you to! All I want is to do what you’re doing, and no one can seem to explain to me why I can’t.”

“Things are the way they are— I agree with you, Janice, but I didn’t write the rules. Isn’t it better that one of us go than neither of us?”

Tears gathered at the corners of her crystal eyes at this. No, it was not better, but he would never understand. Not because he didn’t care, and not because he didn’t love her, but because he had never been told that his body— the existence of it; the natural state of it— made him incapable of pursuits utterly unrelated to his actual aptitude.

James T. Kirk was young, healthy, intelligent, and ambitious.

Janice Lester, too, was all of these things— and in spades.

It was why he had fallen in love with her; been irresistibly drawn to her, stayed with her. It was the source of their passion and the fuel for their mutual adoration.

But it was also a curse, because only James T. Kirk could train to be a starship captain— because only James T. Kirk was a man.

Red-hot rage bubbled up from the depths of Janice’s guts, but she had neither the energy nor the will to articulate it. Not this time; not again. Anyway, he would simply say she was being irrational; that she needed to be “calm”. She was always being told to be “calm”. James was not the first man whom she’d fought on this issue, and he would not be the last, but the lack of comprehension— lack of compassion, as she saw it— was most hurtful coming from him.

They had been a couple for well over a year now; toiling together as students in Starfleet. She had been drawn to James Kirk from the moment she had seen him, and he had felt the same pull toward her. Both of them young and formidable, they would study together, then dine together. Then, they would spar intellectually long into the night before they would retire to their shared quarters to wrangle in a different manner— although with no less passion or vigour.

They grew to love one another, in large part because in each other they saw themselves. James Kirk had known many women, but never one so willing as Janice to push the boundaries of the rules laid out for her by society. He had fallen fast for her brashness and quickness of wit; similarly, she had been so very drawn to his easy charm and confidence.

By the time they had come together at Starfleet Academy, Janice had gone many years believing, truly, that she could overcome any obstacle put before her. This was with good reason, as she had an excellent track record of beating the odds, even when everything seemed to be dead-set against her. Never before in her life had she let anyone tell her she couldn’t do something; never before had she sat back and taken ‘no’ for an answer.

So why? Why, now, was James so keen on her bending over and kowtowing to archaic regulations? He certainly didn’t have to put his own hopes aside.

Why couldn’t he understand that she deserved as much as he did— perhaps even more— to sit at the helm of a starship?

_Because_, she contemplated bitterly, _he would rather achieve his own dreams; chase his own glory, than make it better for anyone but himself. Just like the rest of them._

He had noticed her crying by this point, but when he attempted to put an arm around her in comfort, she shrugged it off roughly and glared at him. She then turned toward a wall, made a fist, and struck the surface with all of her might— but succeeded exclusively in hurting herself.

As she clenched her teeth and held onto her own hand, James shook his head and turned away from her, exasperated. She imagined the size of the hole his fist would’ve made if he’d attempted the same, and became more enraged— because that, and only that, was the ancient and underlying reason for their conflict.

Artificial limitations, interpreted by men long since dead, were the cause of the degradation of their bond, and the source of nearly all of the pain that Janice could ever remember experiencing in her life.

She was, and had always been, one of the most competent people she knew. Hard-working and capable in myriad ways, she had always been one of the best— in her class, on her team, at her job— until now.

Now, being the best didn’t matter. Her grades, her stamina, her will— all so very much like James Kirk’s, hence their compatibility— none of these mattered. They didn’t matter, because Janice Lester wanted to be a starship captain, and that simply was not allowed.

“Why not train to be a doctor, Janice? Your scientific aptitude is incredible. Or an engineer, or a communications technician— there are a million other things you could do. I would marry you, Janice— have a family— I love you.”

“I love you, too, Jim, but I don’t want to be any of those things. I want a family with you, yes, but not at the expense of my career. I shouldn’t have to resign myself to that, and you damn well know it.”

“How the hell would it be ‘resignation’ to be a God-damned _doctor_?”

She spun to face him with incredible speed— “_It’s not what I want, Jim._”

Pleadingly, “We don’t always get what we want. I need your support to do this, and you aren’t offering me even a tiny bit of it.”

“_You_ get to have what you want.”

“That’s because what I want is—“

“—the right thing,” she spat disdainfully as she finished his sentence for him. There was no other way he could have ended it anyway.

“That’s not what I meant...”

She stared with ire at the face of the man she loved more than any other; the man who had treated her with more love and dignity than anyone else she had ever met. He was beautiful, inside and out; truly, he was one of the best men she’d known.

But even he could not comprehend her rage; rage at opportunities of which she’d been robbed before she had even been born. He simply couldn’t— and through no fault of his own, this was making her hate him more and more every day. As she watched him rise through the ranks of the Academy, far beyond her in spite of their equal skill, her discontentment and jealousy grew. It grew until it began to harm their relationship; now, it had grown to the point where it she was harming him, and God help her, she hated that, too.

She hated it because she loved him. He could love her and do whatever he wanted, but it simply didn’t work the other way around.

These thoughts reached a crescendo inside of her head as she looked on James, and in spite of everything they had built together; in spite of his desire to be with her, all she could see in his eyes was everything she wanted but couldn’t have.

She drew back with her hand; she didn’t care that it was small and weak and still hurt from hitting the wall. With every ounce of force she could muster, she harshly slapped the face of the person she loved the most.

James was stunned. Through his mind flashed images; stills and shorts, of their time together— laughter over dinners alone late at night; comparing notes from classes; walks through beautiful gardens and along sandy beaches. Intimate tussles in the dark of their shared dorm after long, gruelling days; pillow-talk of hopes, and of dreams.

Why did her’s have to be so decidedly and deliberately beyond her own reach? In this day and age, she could have been nearly anything else she wanted, other than the thing she wanted most. Her ambition had been attractive to him when they had first connected, and the rest of the world aside, it still was.

Jim Kirk, after all, knew that Janice Lester would have made a brilliant starship captain. He would never have denied that; not for a second, but he also was not about to put his future— _their_ future— on the line to fight battles he couldn’t win.

The future he had envisioned up until this moment had included her; every version of it, she was always present. But as the sting of her hot, thin hand welled up in his face, he could feel his vision shattering under the weight of her inability to accept her lot in life.

The fire and the grief combined to bring rare, stinging tears to the young man’s eyes. He looked at Janice as they grew, along with the pain on his cheek. By the time they spilled over onto his features, he had turned urgently to leave.

“I’m sorry, Janice. I can’t— I just can’t do this with you.”

She stood, herself shocked, hand still raised and shaking. What had she done? “Jim, please— I’m sorry—“

“No.”

And he was gone.

Silent for several moments after the doors behind her now-former love slid shut, she finally sank onto the sofa. She thought first of times they’d spent together on it, laughing or reading; she then thought about the way he would kiss her, and the way he would scoop her into his large, strong arms.

She had always both loved and hated his size and strength; finding it attractive and useful, but also wanting it for herself. That want; that envy, had grown during their time together, and since Jim had started pursuing goals she was not allowed for herself, it had hit a pinnacle.

Now seated in a familiar spot, but without the loving partner who had made it such a comfort, she began to cry. Defeat, regret, jealousy, disdain, and righteous anger erupted and streamed down her face as she thought about all that could have been, if only the world had been a different kind of place.

Or, if she had been someone more like James T. Kirk.

Janice loved Jim, with all of her heart. She always had, and she always would. As long as she faced the limitations she did, however, she could never possibly love him more than she wanted to _be_ him.

And that was how she knew he was never coming back.

**Author's Note:**

> ((I love the Turnabout Intruder episode for a multitude of reasons, and one of them is that I got this out of it.
> 
> The lyrics at the beginning are from G.I.N.A.S.F.S. by Fall Out Boy.
> 
> I watched the episode and listened to this song on the same night— what can I say?))


End file.
